


You're All the Things I've Got To Remember

by Magnetism_bind



Series: The Memory Stone [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Anal Sex, Blowjobs, Childhood Memories, Emotional Trauma, First Kiss, First Time Together, Fluff and Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Memory Magic, Mutual Pining, Nostalgia, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Road Trips, Shaving Kink, Unresolved Emotional Tension, motel sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 14:52:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14771747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magnetism_bind/pseuds/Magnetism_bind
Summary: After Thanos wins, Steve's not sure if he can keep going, if the future's still worth fighting for. A glimpse at a memory stone convinces him otherwise.





	You're All the Things I've Got To Remember

**Author's Note:**

> (Spoilers for Infinity War, obviously. )

The worst part was the numbness. Even through all the times he had lost Bucky before, Steve’d never felt this numb. This empty. Even the last time, which hadn’t been so much losing as waiting, but still, there'd been resignation, the feeling of missing Bucky. It hadn't been easy but it'd sure as hell felt better then blind rage or cold fury. But any of that was better than this. This…this was nothing. 

He closed his eyes, willing it all to disappear, to be a dream. Anger, grief, loss, all of those he was more than familiar with, he knew how to handle. Numbness he didn’t know what to do with.

They started assessing who was left alive, who was missing. If anyone was missing, they assumed the worst, even though they had already found a number of wounded after the fact. It was hard to know if they were missing someone, or if there was no one left.

Finally Steve called the search for tonight at least though. “We’ll pick it up again tomorrow, people.”

He wasn't meant to be in charge in here, not here in Wakanda. This was T’Challa’s’ place. But T’Challa was gone. Shuri was still recovering. As soon as she was back on her feet, the responsibility would fall to her. Steve’s heart ached for her. In the meantime he did what he could do. It didn’t feel like much; he knew it would never be enough.

 

*  *  *

 

“Rogers.”

Steve shook himself tiredly, looking up at the sound of his name.

Tony stood in the doorway. He looked as exhausted as Steve felt, bruised, disheveled, dried blood on his suit.

All the same, Steve managed a smile. “You made it back.” He rose and went over to him, drawing Tony into an embrace. “It’s good to see you, Tony.” All the differences they had between them, they still mattered but this….this was bigger than the two of them, bigger than everything they'd dealt with so far. They’d need to stick together if they were going to manage anything at this point.  At the moment Steven had no idea how they were going to do that.

“Likewise.” Tony muttered. He held onto Steve a little longer and then finally drew back to give him a look. “Who’ve you lost?”

“Sam. Wanda. T’Challa.” He looked down at his hands, not wanting to say his name like this, not wanting to put him in that space of _gone._ “Bucky.”

Tony just nodded. “Strange is gone.” He hesitated then, “Peter too.”

 _Parker was just a kid_ , it was on the tip of Steve’s tongue, but the last thing Tony needed to hear was that. If Steve knew anything, Tony was already blaming himself for getting Parker involved in this whole fucking mess.

He turned back to the window. “You have any idea of what we’re supposed to do next?”

“Thought you were always the man with the plan.” Tony muttered.

Steve folded his arms across his chest. “It’s been a while since I had a plan.” One that he’d share anyway. Oh, he had had ideas of things he wanted to do, places he wanted to see – with Bucky. Now…what was any of that for?

He left Tony to catch up with the others and went up to the rooftop. Night fell over Wakanda, but the city was still bright as the people, what remained of them, mourned the loss of their king.

 

Eventually though, Tony found him up on the roof, still watching the city. How many people out there were alone tonight? Who was going home to empty houses because of what Thanos had done? Half the planet just gone, not even leaving anything to bury. How was that even possible? Yet he had seen it with his own eyes. Whenever Steve closed his eyes that’s what he kept seeing, Bucky vanishing in front of him, saying his name. 

“Nothing about this is going to be easy.” Tony  broke the silence first.

“Never expected it to be.” Steve said tiredly. He didn’t expect anything at this point. He didn’t know what Tony _expected_ him to expect. What could any of them expect now? What could they even do? They had done their best to take down Thanos and it hadn’t worked. He didn’t even have the energy to say that aloud to Tony.

“I wanna show you something. Strange gave me this before…in case anyone needed convincing about what's coming next.” He held out his hand and Steve took the object from him.

“What is it?”

“It’s a memory stone.”

Steve studied the pebble Tony had handed him.  “Let me guess. It shows you your favorite memory? Or your worst?” He had a lot of both of those and he could remember them just fine on his own, thanks.

“Just hold it. It’ll show you something worth fighting for, something worth keeping.” Tony moved away. “It’ll help, Rogers.”

Steve just shook his head. He looked down at the stone again, letting it sit in in his palm.

 

*  *  *

 

They pulled off the highway and checked into a motel in the late afternoon. Steve got the key to the room while Bucky went across the street to the little country store to get some beer.

“The open road, some roadside motel and beer,” was all Bucky had said when Steve asked him what he wanted to do next. So that’s what they had done. Steve had borrowed two bikes from SHIELD storage and they’d hit the road. He’d only told Nat where they were going.

After he’d gotten the key to their room he followed Bucky across the street to the grocery store, the bell dinging pleasantly when he entered.

Bucky stood in front of the beer aisle, just looking at the selection. His hands were in his back pockets, his bottom lip protruding slightly as he studied his options. Steve paused there, just looking at him. A surge of affection shot through his gut, just from being here with Buck in this cramped little aisle in a back of nowhere little store.

He had the acute sense that someone was watching him. Steve looked up to see a woman with white hair coiled in a loose braid atop her head looking at him questioningly from one aisle over.

“Can I help you find anything?”

“Oh, no thank you.” Steve assured her. “I’m just waiting for my…friend.”

He paused long enough, that it bothered him. Bucky was still his friend of course, but…it was more complicated than it had been in a while.

The woman nodded. “Ah.” She looked down the aisle at Bucky and then back at Steve. “Well, let me know if I can help you boys find anything, you hear?”

“Will do.” Steve moved downtown he aisle. “Find something yet?”

“How can beer sound so pretentious?” Bucky complained. “It’s just beer.”

Steve felt most reassured that Bucky was himself again when he was complaining about how things were now. “Just pick something you like the looks of.” Steve nudged his shoulder. “It’s just beer.”

Bucky huffed something under his breath but grabbed a six pack and then gave a sideways look at Steve and added a second one.

Steve raised an eyebrow. “Gonna be a big night?”

“I am planning on drinking and you might want at least one.” Bucky told him. He carried the beer up to the counter, Steve following. Another woman with short silvery hair and earrings in the shape of crescent moons was leaning against the counter, reading a paperback.

She looked up and set it aside. “Just this?”

“Yeah.” Steve pulled out his wallet and Bucky eyed him again before moving over to look at the candy selection. He’d kept his sleeve tugged down over his arm, but his left hand was still visible. If the woman noticed, she didn’t say anything as she rang them up.

Steve handed over a twenty, watching Bucky’s gaze linger on the candy. “And one of these as well.” He reached over and grabbed a candy bar to add to the beer.

“Steve,” Bucky protested. “We don’t have to.”

“Why not?”

Bucky just sighed and grabbed the beer, heading for the door. The woman gave him a look.

“Sorry about that.” Steve said.

The woman shook her head. “Don’t worry about it. I understand.”

 Steve laughed a little. “It’s a little complicated.” Then his gaze shifted to take in the wall behind the counter. There were pictures and postcards tacked to it, the pictures of the two women, smiling into the sun, at the Grand Canyon, tipping back bottles in front of a river, holding hands by a camper, laughing over coffee, kissing. _Lillian x Toni 1983,_ read one of the cards. 

He returned his gaze to the woman who was looking at him. “Grand Canyon.” Steve nodded. “That’s still on my list of things to see.” Maybe on this ride. That’d be something to do.

“You should take your friend.” She said. “It’s a hell of a sight.”

“Yeah, maybe I will. Thanks.” He grabbed his candy bar and walked back across the road to the motel.

Bucky was leaning against one of the bikes, drinking a beer.

“Started early I see.”

Bucky shrugged. “You were taking a while.”

“I was being friendly.” Steve tossed him the candy bar and Bucky caught it automatically, shoving it in his pocket. Steve walked past him towards the room and took out the key. “You might wanna try it sometime.”

“Why do I have to be friendly when Captain Boy Scout is already here to charm the ladies?” Bucky lugged the beer over to the door as Steve unlocked it.

“I don’t think they were particularly charmed.”

“Technically they’re younger than us. Ever think about that?” Bucky carried the beer over to the small fridge against the wall and started filling it.

“That’s not it.” Steve hesitated. “They were together. That’s all.” He reached over to grab a beer. When he looked back up Bucky was leaning against the table, just looking at him.

“That bother you?” Steve asked coolly.

“It bother you?” Bucky squinted back at him.

Steve shook his head. “I think it’s great.” He used the bottle opener on his keys to get his beer open and took a sip.

“You know I didn’t mean anything by that.”

“No.” Steve said evenly. “I don’t. We never talked about it, not openly.” He was pretty sure Bucky didn’t give a shit about people being queer, he remembered more than a couple times where Bucky stood up for guys who were getting kicked around because of that, but they’d never talked about it. Steve because he was scared of opening that door and finding it shut in his face. He didn’t know what Bucky’s reasoning was.

Bucky’s face flushed faintly. “Look, it’s fine. I’m just not used to it being out in the open, you know.”

“Plenty of other people aren’t either.” Steve took another drink.

Bucky nodded. He turned to look at himself in the mirror. “I probably look like a goddamn hippie.” He glanced at Steve. “Hair yes, beard no.” He looked back. “I think I’ll shave.”

“You want help with that?” Steve offered before he had time to think. That excuse was getting old. It wasn’t hard not to think, not with Bucky. They did things like that for each other, and it had been so normal between them, so established, it had taken Steve years to realize he was in love with his best friend.

Now that Bucky was back, now they were actually spending time together…Steve didn’t know what to do with that. He’d been planning on telling Bucky once he got his deprogramming but then Bucky had wanted to stay in Wakanda and stay under and the chance to say it had slipped away.

Bucky shrugged. “Yeah, actually. It’s been a while, and with the arm, it’s easier…to just not.” He scratched at the beard absently.

“Sit down then.”

Bucky sat down with his beer and Steve got out his shaving kit. Bucky pulled his hair back and kept drinking his beer. He pulled off his t-shirt, leaving himself wearing a black undershirt and looked up at Steve as he came over.

“Sure you wanna shave it off?”

“Yeh.” Bucky’s eyes followed him as he reached for the shaving cream.

Steve gently tilted his face so he could start on Bucky’s jaw, aware of the warmth of Bucky’s skin under his fingertips, his pulse fluttering at his neck. The dimples in the corners of his mouth becoming slowly visible as the beard disappeared bit by bit.

“What about the hair?”

“Think I’ll keep it a while.” Bucky tucked a loose strand behind his ear. “Kinda digging the ponytail.”

“So you don’t like the pretentious beer, but you like long hair.” Steve kept shaving. “What else you like since you got back?”

Got back was a weird way to describe what had happened to Bucky, to him, but Steve decided to just go with it for now. It was easier than _since you fell in a ravine and I thought you were dead only to find out you were brainwashed into becoming a super assassin and tried to kill me and then saved my life instead but wasn’t ready to get out there again until the conditioning in your head had been turned off again so you voluntarily froze self until we had to face someone who wanted to control the universe._

“Food’s different, but overall better. Though I miss the way some things smelled, you know? Like soap? I feel like the basic soap isn’t the same anymore?” Bucky thought about it. “Music’s pretty good. Really enjoyed the 80’s.” He drifted off. “I went to a concert in 88 and,” He paused, “It was on a mission. I still enjoyed it. That weird?”

“No.” Steve said quietly. He waited a moment, but Bucky just took another sip, keeping his face averted.

“So go on, what other things do you like?” Steve kept the razor moving over Bucky’s skin.

He remembered the first time he had done this. Bucky had sprained his wrist, lifting boxes down by the wharf. It was an afternoon job Bucky had gotten that summer. He had a date that evening with the girl who worked at the corner shop and he wanted to look good.

“Can’t show up looking all scruffy.”

So Steve had shaved him. He had been nervous, worried he’d screw it up since he hadn’t had to start shaving himself yet,  and the last thing he wanted to do was ruin Bucky’s date, but Bucky had just grinned up at him with that bright flash of a smile, and told him it was fine.

“The bikes ride more smoothly nowadays.” Bucky admitted. “And the Internet, man, having that’s pretty fantastic. All those apps. Who thought you could still get a date with a phone in this day and age, but that’s what it’d be like?”

Steve barely paused, but it was there. “Been using dating apps?” He asked casually. His hand stayed steadily, the razor grazing over Bucky’s neck. He wouldn’t have thought Bucky would have time for that, but now that he does think about it, it struck him that Bucky’s had nothing _but_ time in Wakanda. Steve’s been giving him space and Bucky’s been using it apparently. 

“Just looking.” Bucky said just as easily.

Steve nodded, still shaving. The first time he had seen Bucky kiss a girl it had felt like he’d been punched in the gut. Over time he’d gotten used to it, nearly, but he still felt that thump, how every time it was brought home that Bucky wasn’t his, not that way. His gaze slid over Bucky’s mouth, he couldn’t wondering if Bucky had kissed someone recently.

The razor skimmed smoothly over Bucky’s cheek as he gazed up at Steve. His eyes were as blue as they’d ever been. That was something Steve could count on at least. Some things never changed.

“Nearly done.” Steve said, letting his fingers still hold on just for now, letting himself hold on. Who knew where they’d wind up after this trip? They hadn’t discussed anything beyond hitting the open road. What if Bucky already had plans in place and was just doing this out of nostalgia? “There, all done.”

“Thanks.” Bucky reached for the towel, wiping his face. With his hair still lazily pulled back but the beard gone, he looked… So familiar and yet new. Steve just gazed at him in silence. There was an ache in his chest that would never go away.

“What do you think?” Bucky glanced at himself in the mirror. “Mistake?”

“No.” Steve said absently. You look good Buck.” He did. The long hair really suited him. Steve felt the familiar pang, the feeling that Bucky was always somehow just out of reach.

Bucky grinned. “Not bad.” He let his hair loose momentarily before twisting it back into a fresh ponytail. In his red t-shirt and faded jeans with his hair pulled back like that, he looked just… _beautiful_. Steve didn’t think he was too overly sentimental over many things these days, but he was sentimental over over Bucky. He just couldn’t help it.

Steve busied himself putting away the shaving stuff. If he kept looking at Bucky, something stupid was gonna just blurt itself out of his mouth.

“Thanks again.” Bucky said, looking over at him.

Steve forced a smile. “Just like we used to.”

“Yeah.” Bucky nodded. “It’s just…”He tapped his fingers restlessly on the dresser counter. A strand of hair was already slipping free from the ponytail and all Steve wanted to do was tug it free all the way and cup Bucky’s face in his hands. “You keep helping me, keep rescuing me.”

Steve held back on the automatic _you always did the same for me_ , waiting to see where Bucky was going with this.

“I just don’t know, how I fit now that you’re all.” He gestured helpless at Steve. “I know that sounds stupid, like all I did was take care of you but.”

“We took care of each other.” Steve murmured. “And I still need you, Buck.”

“Do you?” Bucky asked softly.

“You have no idea,” Steve broke off, unable to say just how much. The last few days, even with fighting Thanos…it had felt right with Bucky at his side once more. He didn’t want to lose that again, couldn’t lose Bucky again. So if Bucky wanted to keep fighting, if he wanted to join SHIELD, or go anywhere else, then Steve wanted to be there with him. They’d figure something out.

“Relax. I know you do.” Bucky just grinned at him.

“You asshole.” Steve slumped down on the bed overcome with relief and exhaustion.

Bucky just chuckled. “And that’s why you love me.”

It was something Steve had heard him say a hundred times before. It was so familiar it took him a moment to realize he was hearing it anew now. This was the present, not his memories. Bucky was here.

“Yeah,” he whispered. “That’s why I love you.” 

He closed his eyes giving himself a moment before sitting back up. Just a moment to let himself hear those words and be glad Bucky was alive, even if he wanted something different at the same damn time.

It took him a second before he registered the shift of the bed. When he opened his eyes Bucky was right beside him, looking down at him.

“That’s not all.” Bucky said, his tone still light though his eyes were intent, almost wary.

Steve was aware of the dim afternoon light fading through the motel curtains, the smell of coffee still on the pot. And Bucky’s eyes, watching him. They had waited so long to find each other. What if he fucked it up? His stomach clenched tightly. What if...

“You know what, never mind.” Bucky rolled away. “Wanna another beer?”

“Bucky.” Steve wasn’t sure what he was going to say, but he had to say something, to hold on to this moment. It couldn’t slip away like all the chances before.

“They should still be cold.” Bucky wasn’t looking at him, as he opened the fridge. 

Steve sat up, pressing his hands into the mattress to keep himself in one piece. “Bucky.”

“Yeah, they’re cold.” Bucky took out two bottles and reached for his key chain.

He brought one over to Steve, but he didn’t sit back down on the bed again and whatever chance they had had was gone now and Steve knew it.

“Wanna get something to eat?” Steve said after a moment.

“Yeah, but,” Bucky hesitated, “shower first?”

“You go first.” Steve stepped outside, leaning in the open door. Listening to the sound of Bucky showering was driving him half crazy. He shoved his hands in his pockets, wishing he knew the right thing to do here.

His phone buzzed and he pulled it out to see a text from Nat. 

_You two doing okay?_

_Yeah._

It wasn’t much of a lie. They were alive; nobody was shooting at them for a change. It was nice. Why couldn’t he just be happy with that?

_Stop bullshiting Rogers and just go for it._

Steve just shook his head and put his phone back in his pocket. Easy to say, less easy to do. That moment back there had been as close as anything and they’d still pulled back from it.

“All yours.” Bucky came out from the bathroom drying his hair.

Steve brushed past him and closed the door. Stripping down methodically he paused to look at his own bearded face in the mirror. Brooklyn seemed like such a long time ago and yet he remembered it like yesterday. A sound, a smell, it took so little for the memories to creep in.

He showered quickly, thinking about Bucky’s hesitation. Maybe he’d been trying to tell Steve that he’d met someone, or was thinking of it. If Bucky _had_ got on any dating apps he’d be swamped with dates in no time. Steve leaned his head against the tiled wall, letting himself react and try to move on to accept the idea. It’d be good for Bucky to find someone. Maybe meeting someone new was the answer, someone who didn’t know any of their shit, have any of their past. Someone clean.

He got out and grabbed a towel to wind around his waist, realizing he hadn’t had the foresight to bring his duffle in with him.

He stepped out into the room. Bucky glanced up and his gaze stayed on Steve as he went over to his duffel and dug out a blue t-shirt and briefs and jean. He started to go back to the bathroom.

“Used to change in front of each other all the time.” Bucky muttered offhandedly.

Steve looked at him, shrugged, and dropped the towel. He deliberately didn’t look to see if Bucky was watching or not as he pulled his briefs on, tugged his t-shirt down over his head and shoulders. Jeans, socks, boots. He grabbed a flannel and pulled it on over his t-shirt.

“Ready if you are.”

Bucky nodded and they went out, heading across the motel parking lot and down the main road. The town they’d stopped in really wasn’t much of a town at all. Just a little strip of a street, but there were still choices for food.

“There’s a diner, a burger stand and a Fancy Kitchen, whatever the hell that is.” Bucky frowned at the name. “Diner?”

“Diner.” Steve agreed.

They started walking towards it. The Fancy Kitchen was busier, full of people and noise, which was why Bucky had chosen the diner, Steve suspected. It also looked like small town America in full display. Teens crowded into booths together, all the nuclear families out for a meal before they went home to watch their evening tv. Come to think of it, it was Saturday, Steve realized. He’d lost track of the days with Thanos. Probably there was nothing on tv. 

None of these people realized how close some of them had come to dying. They were all just carrying on with their lives, which was how it should be to Steve’s way of thinking.

The diner on the other hand was practically deserted. There was one guy behind the counter sipping coffee and checking his phone. Two couples in booths but other than that it was empty. One of the couples were the women from the grocery store. Steve glanced over at them and the woman who had asked if he needed help earlier gave him a nod. He returned it, following Bucky over to a booth.

“Sit wherever you want.” The guy called. “Be over in a sec.”

Bucky slid into a corner booth and looked out the window at the quiet street. Steve slid in across from him as the guy came over with waters and menus.

"What can I get for you?"

“Steak and fried eggs.” Bucky ordered after a quick glance.

“Fried chicken and mashed potatoes.” Steve chose.

“Anything to drink?”

Bucky shot a look at Steve who picked a beer for both of them.

The guy brought the beers over and said the food would be ready in fifteen.

Bucky’s gaze kept drifting over Steve’s shoulder at the women sitting together. It made Steve’s skin itch. They still hadn’t really talked about it. Bucky glanced at him and then out the window. Their food arrived. As they were just starting to dig in, the women finished and walked past them.

The one with the silvery hair who had been at the counter paused. “Not bad.” She nodded at Bucky’s clean shaven demeanor.

“Improvement huh?” Bucky smiled at her. It was practically his flirting grin and Steve couldn’t tell if that was just habit, or if Bucky had forgotten what he’d said about them being together.

“Much.” The woman grinned back. “You on the other hand,” here she pointed at Steve. “Should keep the beard.” She gave him a wink.

“Lil, come on.” The other woman called from the counter. “Let the boys finish their meal in peace.”

She rolled her eyes but went. “Enjoy yourself.” She went over to the other woman. Steve watched as she slipped an arm around her waist and then they walked out. Comfortably and companionably together.

He looked over to see Bucky watching him. Steve waited a second and then when Bucky didn’t say anything, he just said, “Nice ladies.”

“Yeah.” Bucky took another bite of eggs and another sip of beer.

Steve waited but that was all Bucky said so they finished their meal and went back to the motel.

 

*  *  * 

  
It was still only early evening. Bucky prowled around the motel room restlessly, unable to settle on any one thing. He fiddled with the tv, opened another beer, checked his phone.

“You see that text from Sam?” Steve asked. Right on schedule Sam had texted to ask where the fuck they'd gone. 

“Yeah.” Bucky didn’t look up.

Steve went into the bathroom. Maybe they should go for a walk or something. Anything was better than just sitting around watching Bucky be so antsy. He glanced in the mirror, giving his beer another cursory look. Maybe it was time for a change.

He came out of the bathroom and leaned against the doorway, scratching his fingers against his beard. “Maybe I should shave too.” He’d grown used to the beard over the last few years, it was a change from looking like that fresh faced kid from the army, but maybe it was time. Things couldn’t stay the same forever. He’d learned that the hard way.

Bucky jerked his head up sharply. “Don’t you dare?”

Steve stared at him. “What?”

“I just...it suits you, and all.” Bucky shifted awkwardly, sliding his hand down the length of the beer. Steve followed the motion, watching the way Bucky’s finger were locked tightly around the bottle.

“Yeah, maybe. Maybe it’ll do me some good to keep it,” He folded his arms over his chest. “But maybe it’d be better to shave it.”

“Don’t be a damn fool.” Bucky took a sip of beer. “You heard that woman in the diner. You know everyone loves that fucking thing.”

“Oh yeah?” Steve said softly. Bucky’s voice was heated, like this really mattered to him. Like maybe it wasn’t just about Steve’s beard after all.

If he said something, it could go wrong, but what if they never got another chance? What if there was another war tomorrow, another Thanos? Some new threat, something of the utmost importance that couldn’t be avoided anymore. Maybe this was important too.

Bucky sighed, rubbing at his eye tiredly. He looked away and then back. “Maybe we should leave it for now.”

“Maybe we’ve left it long enough.” Steve set his own beer down. Slowly he moved across the room towards Bucky. Bucky hadn’t moved, his eyes were fixed on Steve like he thought he was dreaming. Steve took his beer as well, setting it aside before turning back to Bucky. “What’s stopping us this time?”

Bucky huffed a little laugh. “That’s just it. This time. What about next time or the time after that? How much time have we really got, Steve?”

“I figure we’re both living on borrowed time as it is.” Steve tilted his head, gazing at Bucky.

“Don’t look at me like that.” Bucky sighed, shaking his head.

“Like what?”

“It’s the same goddamn face you used to make when you wanted to take home some stray or help some idiot kid getting jumped in an alley. You know I can’t resist that face.”

Steve’s lips twitched faintly. “Is that right?”

“You asshole. Are you gonna do it or what?”

“Do what?” Steve pressed. He needed to make sure they were clear here. No more dancing around the topic, no more vague conversations, not this time.

“Rogers, for the love of god, would you just fucking kiss me already?”

Steve couldn’t keep himself from grinning. “You sure?”

“Every other time you rush right in like there’s no tomorrow, but now you’re taking your goddamn time.” Bucky reached for his shirt, gripping it so Steve leaned in. “Kiss me, don’t kiss me, but just do something, you fucking punk.”

Steve kissed him. It was slow for half a sec and then his heart leaped into his mouth, fear and excitement and adrenaline rushing through him, he was kissing Bucky – all this time, years and years and years and now he was _finally_ kissing Bucky, and Bucky was kissing him back. His one good hand still clenched tight in Steve’s shirt, but the other had dropped to his jeans, tugging him closer by the belt loops. They were half leaning against the wall and then Steve had Bucky’s back up against it, as their kisses grew more heated, Steve leaning into Bucky’s body like this was where he belonged, this was home.

Bucky’s head fell back against the wall and he looked up at Steve with hungry desperation in his eyes, a need so intense that Steve wasn’t sure he’d ever seen it before. “This isn’t a dream, right? I’m not still back there, strapped to that table where you never found me?”

“No.” Steve assured him, his fingers sliding through Bucky’s hair. “It’s not a dream, Buck.” Something at the back of his mind throbbed faintly, like a bruise he had pressed against unintentionally, and then then it was gone. He leaned in to kiss Bucky again. This was real and they were here together.

“Good.” Bucky breathed and sucked at his lower lip with a moan that went straight to Steve’s dick.

He slid his tongue against Bucky’s mesmerized by the juxtaposition of his brain. New, familiar, new, familiar, but it was all Bucky. 

“Steve.” Bucky groaned. “I just need.” His hands ducked down to Steve’s zipper. “I need to taste you.”

He got Steve’s zipper open and pulled him out, sinking to his knees. Steve braced his palms against the wall steadying himself as he watched wordlessly. Bucky wrapped his first around his cock and slipped him all the way in like he’d been starving for just this.

“Buck.” Steve groaned. His palms balled themselves into fists, bracing them against the wall. Christ, Bucky’s mouth was so warm, and his tongue. It felt so natural and yet he felt like someone was gonna holler at him for even dreaming of his best friend sucking his dick, let alone letting it happen.

Bucky drew off, licking his way along Steve’s length, down to the head where he wrapped his tongue around it, teasing him. When he paused and glanced upward, like he was checking out how Steve was doing, Steve could only drop a hand to slide his fingers through Bucky’s hair. Bucky leaned into his touch as he kept going, taking Steve deeper again, until Steve bit back a groan and he tightened his grip on Bucky’s hair, trying to warn him that he was close. 

Only then did Bucky release him and sit back. He looked up at Steve with expectant, yet wary eyes.

“Ready to fuck me?”

“Are you kidding?” Steve reached for him, hauling him to his feet, pulling Bucky close. “I’ve been ready for that since-“

“Since we were sixteen.” Bucky finished, grinning at him.

It hit Steve then, just how long it had been. How they had been taken away from each other time and time again and yet they kept finding each other again. He wasn’t sure if it was destiny or fate, he didn’t know if he even believed in anything like that. But he did know that Bucky and he belonged together, body and soul. That was just the way it was.

“To the end of the line.” He murmured and Bucky reached for him, clasping his face and kissing him hungrily.

They moved backwards, hitting the bed and Bucky’s hands slid down, tugging at Steve’s shirt. “I wanna touch you.”

God, Steve wanted that too. How many times had he woken in the night, missing the feel of Bucky’s body pressed up against his, sound asleep.

 Now he let Bucky touch him, noticing that while Bucky’s right hand was certain, his left one was a little slower as though testing the waters.

“I want your hands on me, Buck.” Steve breathed and Bucky’s hand gripped him harder. “Both of them.”

“Always so sure.” Bucky mused. He caught Steve’s hand, “I want your hands all over me.” He pulled Steve’s hand down to his crotch and exhaled slowly. “Do you know how long I’ve waited for you to touch me?”

“So let me.” Steve undid his zipper, slipping his hand inside Bucky’s jeans. “Let me touch you.” His hand slid down the length of Bucky’s cock and Bucky groaned, spreading his legs a little wider.

Steve wanted this so bad, he wanted Bucky wrapped around him, wanted Bucky to hold him. He’d lost all sense of what it had been like to not have Bucky and he didn’t want to go back.

Bucky’s hand slid down to grip his wrist, stilling his motions. “As good as that feels, I wanna come with you inside me.”

His lips parted and this time Steve couldn’t resist. He sank his teeth into Bucky’s lower lip, making Bucky groan.

“Come on, Steve come on and fuck me.”

“I don’t have anything.” Steve said, feeling his face heat up. No one could say he’d planned this. And the next time somebody called him a boy scout, he was gonna deck them, even if it was Bucky.

Bucky looked at him and started to laugh. “Flip you for who goes over to the store to buy lube.” He reached into his pocket and took out a dime. “Call it, Rogers.”

“Heads.” Steve said automatically.

Bucky just grinned. “Heads it is.”  He leaned up to kiss Steve. “So go get it.”

“You’ll be right here.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Steve wished he could believe that, wished he could turn off that part of his brain that still thought Bucky would vanish if he left him alone. 

 

 *  *  *

 

He zipped up his jeans, kissed Bucky once more just because he could, and jogged quickly across the street to the little store. There was a light breeze, carrying the scent of clematis on the night air. The Fancy Kitchen seemed like it was closing down. Main Street was settling down for the night. But the store as still open. 

The bell dinged when he entered and the woman (the one with the paperback, Lillian, Steve remembered) looked up and gave him a nod. Steve returned it and started down the aisle, looking for what he needed.

Eventually though he had to admit defeat and went up to the counter. “Ah, sorry to bother you.”

“What can I get for you?”

“Oh… “ _You’re an grown man, Rogers. Just ask_. “Lubricant.” Steve said evenly as he could. “And condoms.” Now that he thought about it, it was only fair. He hadn’t been intimate with someone for a while but it was the decent thing to be protected and he wanted to make sure Bucky knew he was safe.

To her credit Lillian didn’t look surprised or shocked, but then Steve realized maybe she had already assumed they were a couple. He found himself liking that assumption.

“Oh yeah. We do have those tucked away. Here I’ll show you.” She led him down a completely different aisle. “Here you are.”

“Thank you.” Steve called after her, grateful she didn’t hover while he made his selection. He went with KY and after a moment of consideration a large pack of condoms. Maybe he was being presumptuous but somehow he didn’t get the feeling it was.

He took them up to the counter. “I’ll take these.”

She rang them up. “Bag?”

Steve shook his head. “I’m only going across the street.” Why take a plastic bag when you didn’t have to?

Lillian simply smiled at him. “Have fun.”

At that he blushed. “Thanks.”

 

 *  *   *

 

Steve started back across the street. Now the stars were starting to peek out. It was a nice summer night. They had time. He took a deep breath, letting himself know that. For once they had time.

He opened the door to the motel and stopped. The room was empty. “Bucky?”

The bathroom was empty too. There was a reasonable explanation. There had to be. His heart sped up and all his instincts were to find whoever took Bucky and…

There was a footstep on the threshold and Steve whirled. “Where the fuck did you go?”

Bucky blinked. “Ice?” He held up a bucket. “The fridge is conking out. Nobody wants to drink warm beer.”

“Who needs ice?” Silver reached for him, ignoring Bucky’s noise of protest as Steve pulled him close, wrapping his arms tightly around Bucky. “Don’t do that. Don’t.”

“Hey, hey, Steve. It’s okay, it's okay…”

Steve breathed in the scent of him, reassuring himself. Bucky was here. Bucky was his.

“Steve.” Bucky murmured. “Hey. Steve.” He clasped Steve’s face, making Steve look at him. “I’m not going anywhere, man, you’re stuck with me.”

“I wanna be stuck with you forever.” Steve said. Maybe that was cheesy as hell, but he just didn't care anymore. 

Bucky just shook his head and kissed him.

He pulled Steve down on the bed, straddling him. His hands reached for Steve and this time there was no hesitation. Steve closed his eyes as they roamed over his body, tugging up his shirt so Bucky could kiss his way down his chest.

“Take your clothes off.” Bucky whispered, sucking a kiss into Steve’s hipbone.

Slowly Steve got his clothes off and Bucky got his off as well and then they were back where they were, but naked, which was an improvement in Steve's mind.

Bucky sprawled back on the bed, grinning up at him.

“Get your dick in me.”

“Such seduction.” Steve chided him.

Buck grinned, wiggling his hips. “You know you want it, Rogers.”

It was true; Steve didn’t even bother trying to deny it. He slicked his fingers and slipped them between Bucky’s legs. Slowly, he pressed the pad of his forefinger against Bucky, and then just as slowly he eased his finger inside.

“I used to do this and pretend it was you.” Bucky said matter-of-factly.

Steve stared down at him, his finger slipping further, now a knuckle in. He was inside Bucky, like he had dreamed it a hundred times. He took a deep breath and curled his finger, making Bucky gasp. He was _finally_ inside Bucky, and Bucky was just telling him this like he was talking about the weather. Well, two could play at that game.

“I used to sleep in the shirts you’d leave at my place after getting ready for a date.” Steve paused. “And then, late at night, I’d jerk off, breathing you in.”

Bucky looked positively delighted at this news. “I used to jerk off when I’d spend the nights at your place. After you fell asleep.”

“I know.” Steve said just as matter-of-factly. “It was hard to sleep during that.”

“Jesus.” Bucky laughed and groaned as Steve curled his finger again. “You never said anything.”

Steve shrugged, adding another finger, watching as Bucky’s lips part faintly at the sensation, barely able to keep from voicing his own satisfaction at how damn good it felt to be touching Bucky like this. “I didn’t want you to stop.” He remembered those nights all too well, the anticipation as he waited in his cot, waiting for Bucky to settle down, for Bucky to think he was asleep, for the night to grow still and quiet enough and then, and then…oh, he knew perfectly how it sounded when Bucky came. Some memories you never lost no matter how many years go by.

Bucky laughed again and then groaned as Steve curled his finger again. “We’re a fine pair.”

“What about in the army?”

“The army…fuck, all I did was jerk off and think about you.” Bucky said carelessly.

“Same.” Steve said and they both cracked up again. When they stopped though, Bucky was looking up at him, his eyes soft.

“All the men had their girls pinned up over their bunks and I had that photo of us from that summer at Coney Island, I kept it tucked in my helmet. And I’d take it out at night and put it under my pillow while I jerked off. And I didn’t even feel bad when I did it, because somehow it was okay, because it was you, Steve and you were the one I had promised to come back to.” He sighed quietly, leaning back against the pillow. “Later I’d feel guilty, no way to avoid that, but when I was doing it, thinking about you, nothing else mattered.”

“It’s okay.” Steve told him. “It was always okay.” He knew exactly how Bucky had felt and the beautiful thing was, it didn’t matter. The guilt was nothing they had to hold on, not anymore.

He leaned down to kiss Bucky, marveling anew that he could do this now.

Finally Steve removed his fingers and reached for the box of condoms. Bucky raised his eyes at the box and Steve just shrugged. “I thought…maybe we’d need them all.”

“We don’t need ‘em at all.” Bucky said, “Unless. You want to.”

“Are you sure?” Steve set the condoms aside.

“I wanna feel you inside me.” Bucky told him. He reached for the lube, nodding at Steve’s dick. “Can I?”

Steve nodded and Bucky reached out his hand to slick him. Steve inhaled sharply, his tongue dry in his mouth as Bucky stroked him from base to tip and opened his legs. Bucky reached for him, moving quickly now, his whole body intent on this. His hands slid down Steve’s back, gripping his ass, bringing him closer. “Come on, Steve.”

Steve had felt his body wasn’t good for a lot, other than fighting, but now, with Bucky, it felt like he finally _fit._  In his body, in life, in Bucky.

He took a deep breath and thrust deep, watching Bucky’s face. How was it possible to love someone this much, to know exactly the way Bucky leaned his head back, how he’d flush a little across his chest, and the sounds he made, each of them of them precious and yet utterly pornographic, and yet know it all with new senses because he was sharing it with Bucky this time.

He kissed Bucky as Bucky wrapped his legs around his waist, pulling Steve all the way in. Bucky clutched at him as they moved faster. Steve didn’t want it to end, but he felt himself rushing towards it like he was on a bullet train and there was no way off, no way to make it last a little longer.

“Steve.” Bucky dug his fingers into Steve's back as he came with a shudder. The feel of Bucky, tight and hot and just holding him there as he came, was enough to carry Steve along too. 

Steve slumped across Bucky’s chest and immediately rolled off. For a moment he just lay there, gazing at Bucky, then he wrapped an arm around him, holding Bucky there against his chest. And then suddenly he started chuckling.

“What’s so funny?” Bucky asked sleepily.

“The lady at the store said to have fun.”

Bucky started laughing too, burying his face in Steve’s chest. “Well?”

“Yea.” Steve said, brushing his hair back from his face so he could see Bucky's smile. “I’d say we had fun.”

 Buck pressed his lips to Steve’s shoulder. “I have wanted this for over seventy years.”

“Me too.” They had waited so long and now they were here, finally. Steve yawned and settled an arm behind his head. In a minute he'd get up, maybe suggest they'd shower, but truthfully he'd be happy to sleep right now with Bucky curled up next to him. 

Bucky stretched slightly and then pushed himself up on one elbow to look at Steve. “About earlier in the store. I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I know but.” Bucky shrugged helplessly. “It feels more natural to be careful, even though I don’t wanna be. Even if we don’t have to be. I don't want other people to have be careful either. It just takes me a bit to remember it’s okay. That’s all.”

“I know.” Steve rubbed his arm gently. “I liked how they were together.” He remembered the way the couple had walked out of the diner. “How comfortable they were with each other.”

“I like that too. I like the way they were themselves, not afraid.” Bucky murmured into his arm. “I want that.”

“We can have that.”

Bucky looked up again, a slightly serious expression on his face. “I’m not saying we should buy a grocery store but.”

Steve grinned as he rolled over to kiss him. He brushed his lips over Bucky’s, drinking in their warmth, then there was a faint rushing noise in the back of his brain.

 

*  *  *

 

The moment ended so abruptly Steve jerked backward. The world – the world without Bucky in it – came crashing back around him. Tony was there watching him. He stood there lightheaded for a moment and then the realization that it was gone, that he was no longer there with Bucky made him nauseous. He leaned over, resting his hands on his knees, trying not to retch.

“Hey, Rogers.” Tony said quietly. “You all right?”

 _No_ , Steve thought, _this was the opposite of all right._ He straightened up slowly and looked at the stone clutched tightly in his hand. It had felt so real, it took him a moment to realize that it had all come from that little stone. He stared at it unseeingly, his hand gripped tightly around it, letting the rock indent on his palm.

“You looked at that?” His voice sounded dry, like he hadn’t spoken in hours. How long had it been? A few minutes? No time at all? How long? He remembered the sunlight on their backs from the ride, the damp wave in Bucky’s hair after his shower, how Bucky tasted like beer and that damn gum he'd started chewing and _Bucky._ How had any of that happened? Where had it come from? His heart felt like it was stripped raw.

“Yeah. Coupla times.” Tony’s voice was heavy, like whatever he’d seen hadn’t been easy to leave either.

 “That wasn’t a memory.” Steve said slowly. None of that had ever happened, and would never happen now.

“Yeah, I told you. It’s a future memory. Something that has a good percentage of existing in the future, a good possibility of happening if we keep going, if we fight Thanos.” Tony said. “That’s the only way.”

“How could that be the only way?” Steve faced him. “To lose all those people? To lose Bucky?” He truly wanted to know because right now he just couldn’t see it.

Tony just stood there, unable to answer that question and finally Steve shook his head.

He turned to walk away.

“Stay with me, Rogers.” Tony gripped his shoulder. “Don’t you get it? It could still happen. You could still be with Bucky.”

Steve stilled, looking at him.

“Whatever you saw could still happen in this universe. If we keep going, if we get Thanos and gain the gauntlet. Whatever it was, it could still happen.” He looked at Steve. “It was you and Bucky, right?"

"Yeah." Steve said. "How many possible futures are there, anyway?"

"Fourteen million, six hundred and five, or so Strange said." 

"That many, huh." Steve said skeptically. "And in how many of those do Bucky and I get to be together?"

"All of 'em."

At that Steve stared at him. "All of them?"

"Well," Tony shrugged. "If you count dying by each other's side as together."

"It does sound like us." Steve just gazed down at the stone. ”You said you used this more than once?”

“It showed me a couple different things.” Tony scratched the back of his head. “Pepper and me. Peter going to college. That kind of thing.” He nodded at Steve. “Well? How about it?”

Steve looked down at the stone again. It seemed impossible, but what was the alternative, to just give up? He couldn’t do that. The raw ache was still better than the numbness. As long as there was the slightest chance of changing this, of bringing Bucky and everyone back, he was there. The future was still worth fighting for. It had to be.

He held it out. “Here.”

“Sure you don’t want another look?” Tony asked as he took it back.

Steve shook his head. “Once was enough for me. I don’t need any more convincing.” He paused, and then, “It did help, Tony. Thanks.”

Tony nodded, still waiting.

Steve took a deep breath. A possible future memory. He wanted that all right. He needed to know what happened next, what it felt like to wake up next to Bucky again.

“So, what’s the plan?”

 


End file.
